A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.
you’ve got to be kidding me
I am in physical pain
Claiming there is no other life in the universe is like scooping up some water, looking at the cup and claiming there are no whales in the ocean
Neil deGrasse Tyson in response to “Aliens can’t exist because we haven’t found them yet” (via unusual-entities) —
“ I used to be self-conscious about my height, but then I thought, f**k that, I’m Harry Potter. ” Happy Birthday Daniel! (July 23rd)
klainehiatuschallenge day 31 - moment that made me laugh the most
❝It was a mid-century knockoff, so I gave him an “A” for effort, but as soon as I lifted up one of the cushions, I saw that the entire couch was riddled with bedbugs!❞
me: *dials 911*
operator: hello 911, what’s your emergency?
me: i need someone to cuddle with, rub my back, and play with my hair
operator: someone is on their way, please stay calm
"Ran into an ex at the @AndersonsBkshp book signing… #awkward #tlos3"